who did the taste test?
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A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”
Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
Yoga Matt
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”