duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
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Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?
I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!
[later]
ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.