*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
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I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
How dude HOW?!
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive
interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?
me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else
Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.