If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
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My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…
Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
Pot warmers of the day.
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock
Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE