There’s plenty more fish in the sea
“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”
I’m bad at consoling dumped friends
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Luke: Did you get the card I made you?
Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.
Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.
I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”
Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?
Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons
Ed:
Ed: fsh
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”