on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
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People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
How to get a job on Game of Thrones:
Q: Can you act?
A: Sorta
Q: Will you get naked?
A: Yes
HIRED!
Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂
I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
INFORMER!!!
Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…
A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
[knock on my front door]
Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?
Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?
Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*
Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*
When my wife came home I hid under a blanket and my quick thinking 5yo said to her “That’s not daddy under the blanket. That’s just a big lump.”
REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks
Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
Netflix and scream at our children?!
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.