mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
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CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]
Me: diamond bracelet?
Clerk: $10,000
Me: cubic zirconia?
Clerk: $5,000
Me: glass?
Clerk: $2,000
Me: beaded plastic?
Clerk: $1,000
[later]
Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?
Me: I made it myself : )
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”
An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.
I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone
“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.
Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball
13: mum, I fell in P.E and hurt my leg… and Chloe saw me face plant.
Me: aw, baby, don’t be embarrassed… it happens.
13: I know, mum… I got up, looked her dead in the eye, and said “look at that, Chloe, I scraped my knee falling for you!”
Do I fail parenting now?
Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it
[a light glows in the corner]
ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
when you don’t want to be too vague
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.