“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made terrible sandwiches.
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contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
Please keep my baby in your thoughts. I wouldn’t let her pull the carbon monoxide detector off the wall and no greater tragedy has ever befallen a child in time past.
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*