[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
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interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt
PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something
FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill
Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
Most Well-known Speeches:
1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln
2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King
3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
Nothing makes me get up faster than my 6yo walking by me with a bottle of Elmer’s glue.
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]