I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding
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Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.
The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
#ThisMakesMeLaugh
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.
Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience