GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
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This chloroform smells expensiv…
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits
Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.