Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
You Might Also Like
Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.
My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you
“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.