The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
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Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
My kitchen overserved me.
hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner
hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail
Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.
Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]
Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.