Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.
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Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.
{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?