And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
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“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.
Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
Oceanography is all about current events
“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”
“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”
“That’s exactly what I just said.”
I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror this morning, so I guess once again my personality will be doing all the work today