You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.
You Might Also Like
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*
*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*
Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?
3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!
Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
cop:
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.