My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
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if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?
MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-
ME: *slams on brakes*
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away
*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?
instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?
The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
HIM: Maui
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?
Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.