If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
You Might Also Like
Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.
covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.