People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
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The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty
CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to runThis concludes your parenting course.
I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?Me: And this is something that’s important to you?
He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.
Meth is short for Elizameth.
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I’m just gonna lay on the flooring.
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.