ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
You Might Also Like
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
just left a huge legacy in there
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
When you try jalapeños for the first time
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)