I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.
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Of course I support real issues.
I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit
Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.