Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
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“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
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Iceland has a web page for the upcoming presidential election. You can go in and enter your name in support of a candidate. In an attempt to do so, apparently 11 people accidentally registered as candidates and are now running for president. Looking forward to the TV debates.
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what
We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.
Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.
May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.