When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
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waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?Me: And this is something that’s important to you?
He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes