Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
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My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
[Text]
18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
Legend 🤣🤣
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
texting my friend “why’s there a firetruck at ur house” while he’s boarding a plane to Europe
Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant: MOUSE
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant: FLOOR
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.