the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all
kids: oh no
wife: oh no
parents: oh no
me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO
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I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
[at my funeral]
pastor: hey this casket is empty
me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries
flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase
never forget
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
. 🧔🏻/ It’s
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻 9 o’clock
( (> 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻/ On a Saturday
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/The regular crowd
👴🏻/ 👵🏽/ 👩🏻/ 👨🏽/
<) ) <) ) <) ) <) )
/ / / /Shuffles in
Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.
My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle
HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.