replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground
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I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
This came to me in a dream.
Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
me, after any kind of buffet.
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
I have the body of a 30yr old
Sofa.
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.