I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
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Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE
So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.
For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
Adhd brain is amusing.
I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.
U talkin 2 me?
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*