People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
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I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.
I don’t hate children, just yours.
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
saying “eat the rich”
-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibalsaying “ok boomer”
-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy
Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
Me:
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.