The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
You Might Also Like
In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
1st time waking up my teen: *rubs back* Hey buddy, time to get up.
2nd time: *shakes him* It’s been 5 minutes. Get up.
3rd time: *rips blanket off* Get up NOW!
4th time: *rage breathing* YOU’RE LATE!
My teen: *dramatically sits straight up* WHY DIDN’T YOU WAKE ME SOONER?!
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.