held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
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When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
Just a bush.
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
Awesome parenting 😂
Him: You are a souless ginger.
Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.
Him: Funny!
Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.
Him: *nervous laugh*
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..