When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
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Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.
You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand orderI knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.
Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>
There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.
“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”
I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.
It was.
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.
Him: You know why.
Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies