Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
You Might Also Like
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
Dating Tips.
C all her 69 times a day.
R ing her doorbell and hide.
E avesdrop by phone tapping.
E ye her bffs.
P oke her on FB.
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.
[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.