Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
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A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
“and how does that make you feel?”
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”
Your move, government.
would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?
Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!
Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)
wife: what are you doing?
brain: lie.
me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.