Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
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Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?
Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.
[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last