(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
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Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries
Coming out of the dressing room at a store…
Me: What do think?
Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 😐
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
I will never stop laughing at this
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
we’re gonna need another temp
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
I wish this was real life…
I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad
ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.