Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
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[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.
When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
Me: I’ll have a small drink.
Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.
Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!
Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000
Papa John:
Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes
Papa John: And that’s…
Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas
Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
When you can’t find your friend Neil
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.