Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
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self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings
elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.
Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
Me: Aw.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.
40yo introduced himself at a gathering as a painter and watched an art bro wax poetic to him about creating & the need to live in the city to feed off the energy for art before he asked whether the 40yo did abstract or realism & the confused 40yo clarified he paints apartments
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better
me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.
Her: What if there’s lightning?
Me: Then you get to be on top…
god: make a giant mouse
angel: okay
god: with a baby carrier on it
angel: wh- why
god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff
angel: [nervously] what stuff
god: [hits joint] boxing
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?