My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.
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Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”
Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENEDBoss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.
I call this the Heineken maneuver.
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:
· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.