Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
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HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island
ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island
H: Ok so that was easy
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.
it wasn’t ebola
it wasn’t trump
it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year
it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”
Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.
Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.