*puts words between two asterisks*
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When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
WTF
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”
Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.
911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.