Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
You Might Also Like
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
Steam Forums
DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.
He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.
THIS.
MOTHER.
FUCKER.
DOES.
NOT.
CARE.
HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.
Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!
If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.
One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this