before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
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I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”
10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”
God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?
Noah: yes
God: including the dinosaurs?
CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR
Noah: ….ya
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha
16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’
Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’
16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked
I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.
Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account
Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password
Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot
Me: ok ok
Computer: What was the name of your first dog?
Me: oh no
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready