I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
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I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.
Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi
Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.
Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*
My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing: