I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
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Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.
I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.
If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”
“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman
“£20,000 and she’s all yours”
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
VENOM: Time to meet your maker!
SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?
VENOM: No, like-
SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?
him: AI?
me: AI
him: oh