I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.
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My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?
Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-
Wife: Thirty-seven
“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:
Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.