“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
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If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
9yo: Who took my hair tie?
Me: I didn’t.
9yo: I did not ask who didn’t.
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
me when i see my girls butt
I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.
Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*