My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
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Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.
[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob
Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*
Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press