*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
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Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
The cake is mightier than the sword.
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
PERSONAL TRAINER: How’s your nutrition?
ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It’s been worse.
5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.
What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀
Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures
[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.