I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
You Might Also Like
1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?
how was your vacation
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”
Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”
Dear Lord..
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die