I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
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I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
*seductively corrects your posture*
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
*Snowstorm on it’s way*
America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!
Canadians – better hit the beer store.
Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*
You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.
*Unfrenches your fries*